Church of the Weak

Hehe.

Not New Guy (aka Patrick Dempsey) and I were out meandering on this beautiful Sunday, and as is the norm when we meander, he drove while I took in the sights. We came upon a sign in front of a restaurant touting the "Church of the Week"....I read it aloud and NNG said "W-e-e-k or w-e-a-k? Because I'd go to that one." Cracked me up. Because I'd be right there with him.

In other news, Lola has had a haircut. I have to keep it short because she's such a spaz, and it gets tangly and matted and she won't let me brush her. She was in such need of a trim, and I called every place in town for an appointment, and everyone was booked through July! (What's up with that, anyway? Is it pet pageant season or something?) I should have had a clue when I called The Pampered Poodle, and they were able to get her in right away. Pampered? Not so sure about that.




(Um, sorry that's so big. BAM! But I'm re-sizing illiterate. Deal.)

Anyway. Check out her BANGS. Yeah, it's like that. So, when The Pampered Poodle told me their fee, which was roughly half of what I'm used to paying, I thought I was getting a deal, right? How was I supposed to know that their pet stylists weren't "union"? So she has some bangs. She works those bangs! She owns the bang! She's Lola!

Until this weekend. NNG renamed her MOE-LA. As in Larry, Curly and MOE. He said it looks like they put a ramekin on her little head and used that as their guide. He says they should give that haircut a name, like the "Dorothy Hamill" or the "Rachel"....he says that they should call it the "Special Olympics". That Moela should model for the poster on the door that says "Get Your MOE Here!"

Fucking Moela. All she needs is a little product, maybe a fauxhawk...or a little doggie weave or something. Moela. LOL...

A Little Bit of Everything and a Whole Lotta Nothing

Hi, bitches.

First, let me just tell you that right now, I'm obsessed with Popsicles. In fact, I'm typing with one in my hand right now, because my lips are nearly frozen, and this must be a little what Botox feels like. (Which is good practice for my golden years, let me assure you.) At first I tried the sugar free ones, but as any of you who have tried many sugar free products can attest....they taste good, but there are other "effects" that shall remain unnamed. Suffice it to say, sugar free blows. I'll risk the diabetic coma, thank you very much. Popsicles = Heaven.

Anyway.

There is some stuff going on at work that I don't really want to talk about just yet, until it's set in stone. It's a very good thing! There is another little step up the ladder on the horizon, but it will be a few months before anything happens. (Thank God. I was beginning to wonder when I'd be able to stop sleeping my way to the top.) I'm so excited! Keep your fingers crossed, if you don't mind, because if all goes as I'm told it will, then it will be exactly what I want and need right now. And even though I said I wasn't going to be scheduling any more trips this summer, I will at some point have to go to Rapid City, South Dakota for a new manager training. South Dakota?! I'm really starting to wonder where all the trainers out west have disappeared to. I've noticed recently that I've had a reader from Rapid City, but I don't know what that is. Hey, Rapid City Reader! Could you email me and let me know what's great about your city so I can make a little plan? Thanks! (LBW5114 at yahoo dot com)

*pause here for Popsicle break*

I'm having an "issue" at work right now too --- one of my employees is fucking stealing and I can't prove it. It's CRAZY, I'm telling you! Whenever something happens, I ask her about it, she comes up with some sort of "explanation", and HR keeps telling me that without direct evidence, I can't fire her. And she KNOWS that we know, and things just continue to happen, and it's driving me nuts! Trust me, I'm on her trail. I just need an actual witness! She's part-time, though...so her hours are being cut to practically nothing. It's tough on the rest of us to pick up the slack, but I can't trust her to be there. I'm hoping the crazy bitch will just quit....or finally just royally fuck up so I can run her ass out!

Lola has been sick the last couple of days, so this morning we went to the vet. Turns out she has a little bit of a tummy virus, much like people get. Who knew, right? So she got some medicine and instructions for a bland diet, and then the vet gave me some special canned dog food for her. Uh, yeah, no. That's not going to be happening. Jenny Fabulous can tell you that I just can't do that. She used to bring her dog Kasey up on the weekends and feed him IN ANOTHER ROOM and I just about retched my guts out. I can't look at it, I for God's sake can't smell it. Ugh. No way. Normally Lola eats the lovely dry Iams puppy food and we can all live with that. So, tomorrow, when she's allowed to eat again, she will be getting a fabulously bland breakfast of white rice and boiled chicken. Fucking dog food. No. NO. *aack*

So, Not New Guy was out of town last weekend, racing cars. Yeah, it's like that. You all know that I'm sort of private when it comes to him. There are reasons for that. At first it was because I wasn't sure how long I was planning on keeping him. *wink* Then it was because I was starting to have real feelings for him, and I didn't want to scare him off. And now, it's because I can finally reveal his true identity, but we'll have to keep it between us, ok? I've already told you that he races cars, so that's very sexy and cool. And he has a gorgeous head of hair. VERY sexy. Give up? Fine. Everyone...meet NNG:



Oh yeah. It's like that.

An Update

I imagine it's a little nipply in hell right now, because here I am. Not even going to go through the motions of apologizing for not posting in 30 days and 30 nights, because y'all know the drill. I will, however, tell you that I lurve you all for stopping by after my prolonged absence :) So in a nutshell, here's what's on my mind :

---Vacation was....vacation. It was lovely and wonderful and restful and fun, but it fucking rained and was seriously cold half the time. Mimizzle and I did everything we set out to accomplish, so I can say it was a success. The last 3 days were full of sunshine, however, and I managed to get my tan on quite nicely. (I missed out on seeing Yo Adrienne and I have only my own lazy, vacationing ass to blame. Next year, Adrienne? Or I could just drive to your house. Whichever works for you. Just let me know.)

---Work is....work. Busy, chaotic, stressful. But I don't have any trips planned for a while so I'm happily putting the suitcases back in the closet :) One of my trainer friends got to go to California for one of her MIT's and she posted pics of Rodeo Drive and Hollywood Blvd. and the Kardashians and shit on her Facebook page. How does that work, exactly? I got Wichita. She got L.A.

---Not New Guy is....Not New Guy, still. And that's all I'm gonna say about that. (Partly because he'll get all embarrassed that his personal life is splashed about the internet and what with him being famous and rich and jet-setting and all, we can't have that....and partly because it'll drive Efen crazy.)

I'm sorry, who? Efen? As in, EFEN, Efen, you ask?

Has anyone contacted Troy Dunn, of "The Locator"? How about Sylvia Brown? Oprah? Oh wait.

I just got a text from him.

It says, and I quote:

"If you're not on, I ain't either."

Hey, Efen? I'm on :)




(and a special shout out to my girls, Bitchy and The Girl...hang in there, we love you!)

Top Ten Reasons I'll Never Move To Wichita...and One Reason I Would

Hey, Bitches. (that includes you man-bitches too, ya know.)

So funny that I actually picked up a follower seeing as how I am virtually blog-free as of late...but welcome to the party, New Follower! Now, go fix us a drink......


Where did I leave off? Oh yeah. So, I went to Wichita. Ever been to Wichita? It's flat, basically. And stormy-ish. When I left Charleston that morning it was a balmy 90 degrees....I get off the plane in Wichita at 4:30ish Dorothy time (right onto the efen tarmac no less), it was like 50 degrees! A windy 50 at that. And me with my ass teetering along in my peep-toed hooker heels and capris. Whatever. McConnell Air Force Base (where our store lease is located) is dismal and creepy and frankly, a little ghetto. If you're my friend on Facebook, you know that my MIT was nearly 30 minutes late meeting me on our first morning. Ahem. Imagine my demeanor the rest of the day. Now imagine the look of fear in her eyes when she finally rolled in with her wet, wheezy cough. Yeah, it was like THAT. She said she "forgot". What the fuckity fuck does that mean? And guess who got a surprise audit the next day??? Hehehehe. Late.

So, I don't really have reasons why I wouldn't live in Wichita, (not that I couldn't think of some), but I do have one reason I would. One of my high school BFF's, Sarah, lives there. I'd seen her once about 7 years ago, briefly, but during this trip I got to spend some real time with her. I can't begin to tell you how wonderful it was to fall right back into that easy banter that we'd always shared, and to laugh at the stupidest things that nobody else finds funny. She has the quirkiest sense of humor...for instance, she has this ginormous old dog with breath from HELL. I mean, in the immortal words of Charles Yeager (not the pilot, the hottie from high school), that dog's breath smelled like "10 dead cows that had been laying in the road for 3 days that had been trod upon my other cows with diarrhea." Seriously. Sarah sees me reacting to the visible death fumes escaping from the dog's panting mouth and tells me that she's supposed to brush it's teeth....and that it's toothpaste tastes like chicken. Why that sent us into fits of laughter, I don't know...but I'm so happy it did. Sarah is that wonderful mixture of goofy and serious that always surprises you a little bit when she busts out with something completely retarded. She was my one high school friend that my parents approved of because she always appeared so lovely and well-spoken and responsible. And while she was all those things, she was also my wonderful, funny, smart, beautiful, accomplished, silly friend. I love her dearly and I miss her madly already. :(

In other news, my beloved Mimi and I are leaving for our mother-daughter May beach vacation in 10 dayyyyyyyyyys. Gawd, I look forward to this trip. I can't wait to just be decadent and lazy for a week. And while Mother's Day falls a week earlier, we will be celebrating with mimosas and strawberry French toast, just the two of us. I already have her present picked out, I just can't tell y'all about it or link you to a photo because she reads this blog! I hope she loves it as much as I love her :)

Jeebus....I'm sickly sweet and lovey tonight, which is a sure efen sign that I need to wrap this crap up and move on, right? Hope everyone is doing well....Gigi, I'm keeping up on One Baby's progress. With Jenny Fab being preggers at the same time, I'm so excited for both of you :) The Girl....I do check in with you as much as I can on my iPhone, but for some reason your page kicks me offline before I've finished reading! Actually, that happens with a few others too...so I need to get back on the laptop and catch up with everyone and let you know I'm still alive and bitchy!

xoxo

Miss Me?

Clearly you do...seeing as how two of you have unceremoniously dropped me. I don't blame you though, because my non-existant posts are a little on the boring side. I have to admit that it's been kind of nice not even turning on the laptop some days. I have a terrible habit of sitting down with it and suddenly, it's 3 hours later! I've read a couple of books, I've cleaned my house, I've spent time with my family, I've shopped and slept and gotten shit done. I feel pretty good these days. But I've missed you guys too...and most of the time I've kept up with you on my iPhone throughout the day. Some sites are harder to navigate for various reasons, and posting comments is a little more of a pain in the ass, but I haven't forgotten you. And if I am allowed the pleasure of keeping up with you on Facebook or Twitter, all the better! If you read this and you are on either of those sites and I'm not already connected with you, please let me know! I shamefully admit to being a full-on Twitter addict these days. I have an app on my phone that makes it so easy, and I LOVE it. That's where you'll find me most of the time these days. Come ON...it's fun! (And yeah, it's a total time suck. Whatever....I pick my battles.)

I've had some work issues lately that I won't bore you with, but they've really challenged my inner nice person. It's getting more and more difficult to be understanding and my usual easy-going self ;) I just feel like I've been effed with a little bit, but things are looking up. It's all about perspective, I suppose. I'm working on it. (But I'm still pissed.) Good thing I'm getting ready to get the hell out of town, huh? Next week I'll be in Wichita, KS at McConnell AFB for a manager training. The best part of this trip is that one my very best friends from high school lives in Wichita, and we haven't seen each other in years. I'm so looking forward to spending some time with her...she's still one of my favorite people on the entire planet, and has the remarkable ability to make me positively HURT in a fit of laughter. Hopefully I'll come back with a story or two to tell about my visit with Miss Sarah. My manager trainee is not so much fun, so I'm sure I'll have a pissy story or two to tell about HER, as well.

And btw...I thought of a new nickname for Jenny Fabulous' baby. (I am, as you know, the official Blogger Baby Nickname Lady...ask GiGi!) I think Baby Fabulous, B-Fab or BabyFab all fit beautifully :) I know I've already named her Honey Roasted...but she's my cousin, so I have a right to change it ;) I can't wait to meet this little girl! Keep sending out all your prayers and positive thoughts for them, y'all...it's working!

Lots to do today, I've had my lazy on long enough....thanks for stopping by! I promise I won't stay away so long next time. (You believe me, right? I thought so.)

Sorry, Peeps :(

I'm a neglectful blogger. These days, I'm even a neglectful commenter. Some days I lurk, some days I...don't turn on the computer. And that's just kind of where my head is these days...kind of un-bloggy. I used to read all the time...and I miss reading. I WANT to read again, and not just blogs, or tweets, or Facebook updates (although I do that A LOT...stupid iPhone technology). I completely stopped reading books for pleasure last summer when I started blogging, and that's just not cool. I'm looking for some kind of balance here, y'all. Some days I come home from work, and I have yet more work to do on the computer...which makes me not want to spend any more time on here than I really need to. And other days I just like to be mindless and drift from page to page and read all your wonderful words, and I'll admit to being just flat-out too efen lazy to comment. I'm not going away, but I'm not completely here, either. I'm thankful that many of you are on Facebook and/or Twitter and I LOVE keeping up with you there! For those of you who aren't...come on, now! It's fun...and that's where the cool people are ;) If I could get it through my head that my posts don't have to be 10,000 words long, I'd probably write more often.

Perhaps I shall work on that.

In the meantime, I still love you guys. Check in now and then...just as I'll be checking in on all of you. Thanks for not going away altogether in spite of my prolonged absences. I'm hoping that soon, I'll be inspired, and have something worthwhile for you to read!

XOXO,
Elle

The Langoliers (and picking up Efen's slack)

Ok, so I got kind of lazy. It didn't start out as lazy. It started out as busy, which turned into lazy. But then, two things happened:

Efen decided to go on blogger vacation. And as we all know, the rules state that no more than one blogger in an extended blogger family can go on blogger vacation at the same time. At least, according to the rules that I have made up in my own head. And then...

I totally got called out on Facebook by Vinomom, who, upon seeing my status as "Having the day off...." posts this comment:

"Well, I hope to see a new post up today!"

Curses! Totally busted. But she's right, I've been gone far too long, and truth be told, I've missed the pouring of my soul into blogland...whether you bitches have missed it or not. (And how is this for serendipity...just as I'm typing this, a comment from Momma on my previous post that she IS missing me! HA!)

Anyway...when last we spoke I was headed for the wild, wild west. And, I found it not particularly wild, but most definitely west. First let me say that Montana is flippin' breathtaking, and I'm forever grateful that I got to visit that beautiful state because chances are nil that I will ever go there again. By choice. Why? First of all, it's all far and stuff. Secondly, if you're not a skiier, hiker, snowboarder, rancher, snowball thrower, spelunker, or a cowboy on the lam looking to hide out, there isn't a whole lot there for ya. And as most of you know, I am none of those things. The shopping was limited. The restaurants were good, what few of them weren't chains. They have very little fast food, which was nice to see. But a girl can only shop so long in Target and Old Navy and Coldwater Creek. I'm just sayin'. And speaking of it being far...

It took me 17 hours from the time I boarded my first plane until I was safely ensconced in my hotel room. That's not counting the time from when I first woke up, got ready to go, drove to the airport, waited around there for a while...etc. My first flight to Atlanta was delayed due to fog. (Side note: Every time I fly now, I think of sweet GiGi...go visit her site and you'll know why!) My 2nd flight to Salt Lake City was delayed due to the fact that Atlanta is a ginormous hub and everything is always delayed from Atlanta. However...as we flew into Salt Lake, I have to say it was the most beautiful city I have ever seen. It was a beautiful, clear sunny day, and the view from the air was stunning. And I had quite a pleasant experience in their lovely airport, for the record. My flight to Bozeman was running on time, and I had just enough of a window to grab a bite of lunch and read my book for a bit. And then...things changed.

About 20 minutes before landing in Bozeman, the pilot announces that there "appears to be some weather" in Bozeman suddenly, and we would be diverted to Billings in order to re-fuel and determine what our next course of action would be. Okayyyy. Keep in mind that I'm about 12 hours into this foray by now, and I'm not a pleasant person to begin with. After we land, we're kept on the plane for a while, and the people around me start calling family and friends in Bozeman to find out what the story is.

"Ohhhh, really? That sounds bad."

"Is it still snowing? When did it start?"

"Blizzarding? No shit. Hmmm."

And they're all pretty calm about it, because evidently, this is the norm. Sunny and beautiful one minute, and white-out conditions the next. In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how I can get to either a bar or the Billings Marriott, neither of which seems to be in reach at the moment. Finally, we're allowed to deplane. It's about 5:30 pm Montana time (whatever time that is...mountain? central? whatever) and the restaurant, bar, gift shop...everything....is already closed. WTF? This dinky little airport was deserted! It was just us...a small plane-load of unsuspecting travelers who found themselves in an eerily deserted airport..... Uh, huh, I'm telling you, it was like The Langoliers! I couldn't remember anything about that movie other than they landed in an eerily deserted airport, and I was pretty sure that eventually it was going to be like something out of "Lost". One older guy was going nuts, trying to rent a car to drive into the blizzardy Bozeman, over a mountain pass no less, and two younger guys were getting pissy with him and clearly wanted to beat his ass since he wouldn't shut up. My cell phone battery was nearly dead and I wanted to call Avis to make sure I could still pick up my damn car if and when I finally got to Bozeman, but....there were not even any payphones. OK...again, WTF?? Then I spied vending machines down the hall. I was pretty sure that if push came to shove, I could overpower most of the old people, if not the two younger guys. And the lady sitting in the seat next to me? Some sort of Hollywood wife, living in LA most of the time, but "has a home in Bozeman". Oh yeah, I could beat her pilates ass. Just because most of these people were all outdoorsy and athletic and shit didn't mean I couldn't scratch somebody to death with these fake nails if it came down to me or them in a Doritos showdown. Just sayin'.

But it didn't come to that, and a couple of hours later we were on our way to Bozeman, if only to circle the airport for an hour while trying to land. I was one huge raw nerve at that point, and while we were waiting for baggage, I meandered over to the car rental area and....no Avis. Say it with me now...WTF??? I asked, and oh, yeah, Avis is "off-site". Had to call. Had to wait for them to send their shuttle. Had to drag into that little office with fire shooting out of my eyes, waiting for there to be a problem with my car. But no...I even got an upgrade. Somebody either felt really sorry for me, or I was really, really scary. Care to wager?

Finally got to my hotel, gave my name, and "Oh yes, Ms. Elle, we have your reservation right here. And how would you like to pay?" WTF?!?! Everything is supposed to be paid for and taken care of by the training dept. for me...I just laid my head down right there on the desk. I guess that little guy felt sorry for me too, because he just decided to leave that little matter for the morning crew to take care of. Smart boy. I got upstairs to my nice, comfortable room, made a couple of phone calls, and slept the sleep of the dead. Or of a Langolier, or something.

The next morning, I look out my window, and this is what I see:




Pure, unadulterated, awesomeness.

Not sure if it made that dreadful trip all worth it...but it came pretty damn close.